Uncle Sean's Moving Picture Show

Sean and Strippers

I like naked women. That’s not unusual. I hope. I grew up with the internet so, photos of naked women have been readily accessible to me for a good portion of my life (how did you old people live without it? really). I haven’t done the whole strip club thing much. It always seemed odd to me. Perhaps because the internet encouraged a certain detachment from my naked ladies? I bet there’s a whole psychological study in there somewhere.

I have been to two strip clubs in my life. The first, about three years ago, was PJs, it’s on Spenard road here in Anchorage. Take a dive bar and add an extra layer of grime, then more toothless guys in baseball caps, now throw in naked women dancing to loud rock music. Very loud rock music. The urinal in the men’s room was a giant, stained, stainless steel trough. I refused to pee in it and instead peed in the single stall with the two foot tall hunk of plywood painted white as the door. I was fall down, stumbling, barely coherent drunk and still seriously grossed out by the bathroom.

So, PJs was kind of gross. I was there as part of a bar crawl with my girlfriend, now wife, and two other friends. I could barely stand and so sat a few feet away from the stage, barely aware of the naked woman gyrating at the head of the room. I was staring off into space in a stupor and noticed the stripper at the front looking right at me. She seemed to be yelling something at me. To this day I haven’t a clue as to what it was. It may have had something to do with my lack of tipping. It was vaguely frightening. I was convinced she was going to stab me or something. We left soon after.

That was my sole strip club experience for 3 years. Then, last friday for the impromptu Bachelor Party, I and my two best friends braved one of the other strip clubs in town, Fantasies. I had heard about it a bit and was thinking it would be kind of gross like PJs. Not the case. It was actually kind of pleasant. Simple decor. Not too dark. The bathroom was clean. The sprayed the pole with what looked like disinfectant before they performed. For some reason I found that comforting.

So, we sat a few feet back from the stage and watched. It took about three drinks and two strippers before I migrated from a table to beside the stage. The first naked lady dancing when we were beside the stage seemed detached and almost angry. That was kind of odd. I was almost ready to move on from the strippers to some place else when I noticed the woman following angry stripper, The Cowgirl.

Before I get into talking about The Cowgirl let me say that Jess is very amused by my strip club adventure. She regrets not having been able to be there. This is one of the many reasons I love my wife.

So, The Cowgirl comes up to the stage we’re at and starts doing her thing. She’s got nice long legs, fake but not weirdly fake breasts, short dark hair, and a cowgirl theme. Oh, and she smiled and she had a nice smile. So, the money I was being handed by my two friends (because I was paying for nothing during my bachelor party) went plop right in front of me. I got boobs rubbed in my face. I rather liked that. I rather liked that a lot.

So, The Cowgirl came down from the stage and we moved back to a table as following The Cowgirl there was some sort of two girls one pole performance on the main stage. Later my friends told me how I pretty much was grinning during The Cowgirl’s whole dance. Did I mention boobies in my face? Of course I was grinning.

So, I used the can then came back out to our table. My friends had bought me a lapdance from my now favorite stripper, she was sitting at our table talking with them. The Cowgirl was damn good at her job. By that I don’t mean she was hot and good at gyrating as she removed clothing. She was friendly in that sort of way women can be friendly that makes men want to give them anything they want just so they’ll keep talking to them.

She took me to the room where they do the lapdances. It wasn’t private, just segregated from the rest of the club. We chatted a bit and then she gave me the lapdance, which I will not describe here as that is mine and you can’t have it (unless you go to Fantasies in Anchorage and get your own lapdance from her, I suppose). All in all it was a positive strip club experience.

So, I feel like I have strip club experiences from two ends of the spectrum, now. One was fantastically gross, to the point it was noticable to someone truly fucked up drunk. The other was pleasant, friendly, almost clean. Now, I need to go to a classy joint. Not that I know exactly what that would be. I’m just saying I think that would give me a decent sampling of generically what strip clubs are like. It’s research. That’s all.